Dealing with age differences in Long-Distance Relationships

The special topic that I’m concerned with in this short article is dealing with an age gap between the two members of an LDR . The communication and interaction possibilities of today’s world make it much more common for people of different ages to engage in intense conversation and to become emotionally engaged with each other.

Being in a Long-Distance Relationship with an age gap exposes you to a lot of pressures. Other than the regular pressures that any LDR couple has to endure, they also have to deal with the inherent handicaps that come with being in different stages of your life and having different levels of life experience.

However, it is my belief that these handicaps, if managed properly, can be used to the couple’s advantage. Being aware that the relationship is inherently more difficult than a regular one should lead to an increased interest in a common understanding of what the future will hold, and an increased interest in the way your partner is experiencing the relationship. The holy grail of any LDR is communication, and an age-gapped LDR is no exception. If anything, it is a key example of why communication is key. The fortune of an age-gapped LDR is that from the very start, there is an increased incentive to communicate properly.

I will distinguish between two types of pressures.

- Internal pressures: Pressures the couple has to deal with on their own.
- External pressures: Pressures from others that influence the LDR.

Obviously, external pressures will always translate into internal pressures, but the distinction I am trying to make should be clear.
I will only address issues that occur specifically in age-gapped LDRs.

Internal pressures:
Ignore or acknowledge?
Should you ignore or acknowledge the fact that there is an age difference? I think the answer is both. It should not be ignored, but also definitely not be over-cultivated. People in relationships feel emotionally connected (on one line), and as time goes by, your ‘real’ ages will be nothing more than numbers. However, it is important to recognize the implications of being in different stages of life. Some of these aspects will also merge as time goes by, such as work, life experience, etc. However, some things, mainly biological things, are sadly not so flexible. These things should be discussed openly and freely, but not all the time. A consensus should be reached, and the topic need not be revisited too often.
Plan or float?
Aware of the difficulties, should you try to make a detailed long-term plan, or should you deal with things as they unfold? Again, there is no wrong or right here. Depending on the stages of life you are each in, you should always be aware that however great your relationship is, you should put self-efficacy as your top priority. Sacrifices for each other can and should be made, but make sure you don’t lose sight of what’s important to yourself. Most advisable would be to have some sort of idea how things could work out together in the long run, so that you have something to pursue in your relationship. However, both of you should be aware that this is just a general plan, which should be adjusted according to personal circumstances that will occur on the way.
Search or accept?
I am talking similarities here. Should you desperately search for things that you have in common, despite the age difference, or should you accept things as they are and admire complementarities that inevitably exist? I believe this is a personal preference. It can be very reassuring to establish how much you have in common, but it can also become an exhaustive hunt to frantically search for something to hold on to that binds you together. “Opposites attract”, is what they say; isn’t it a beautiful thing that being so different from each other yields such a wonderful relationship? Establish why it is that you like each other so much, but don’t dwell on the inevitable differences.

External Pressures
Disbelief among close friends and family
The concepts of both an LDR and a relationship are often daunting to outsiders, let alone the combination of the two. Our personal experience is that the only viable approach is to prove their prejudices wrong. Acknowledge their words of warning, and thanks them for caring about you, but carry on doing what feels right. If this is truly a good relationship, it will show; people will see it, and they will come to view your relationship as a strong and invaluable improvement of your life. If you have previous experiences with failed relationships, you might want to refrain from spilling the beans until you know that the relationship feels right. That way you can jump straight into demonstrating that this relationship really is worth it.
Avoiding unwanted attention
If people spot something out of the ordinary, the will goggle at it. The solution: don’t be out of the ordinary. People have a sixth sense of detecting if something is genuine or not, and will adjust their behavior accordingly. If people pass you in the streets, and you show confidence and belonging as a couple, people will notice that and won’t glare at you. Being cool about it leads to acting cool about it, and acting cool about it leads to acceptance.

Recap
The key lesson and topics that I have addressed and that you will have to address in your relationship are:
- Good communication. Absolutely vital!
- Establish what you want to and need to know, and how to adjust along the way
- Prove them wrong: Being confident about the success of your relationship will lead to acceptance as time goes by.

I wish you the best of luck in your relationship; you’ll see that pursuing the goals I have outlined above will lead to a better understanding of what holds your relationship together and why it’s worth fighting for!


- William, Feb 2010